Covenants vs. Narcissism

In both April and October 2014 General Conference, then, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf warned of the increasing trend of narcissism and Elder Neil L. Andersen discussed narcissism in an April 2018 BYU devotional. I think we have all heard through general social consciousness that we are experiencing an epidemic of narcissism. However, other than the superficial understanding of the term referring to an obsession with ones public image, I am not sure that many of us know what narcissism really is and how it might affecting us. Narcissism, superficially, can manifest as an obsession with our public image. This image obsession has been exacerbated by social media where we can create a virtual image, an avatar, that might portray something to the world very different from reality.

Disciples of Christ, instead, should be focused on our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and reflecting His light, and living such that Christ's countenance shine through us at all times, and in all places, and in all circumstances: this applies online, on or off the basketball court. A narcissist might be more concerned with Facebook likes, Instagram follows, and Twitter retweets. However, online look-ism, is actually just a more benign symptom of an increasing pervasive disorder that is reaching pandemic proportions. (for the record, I confess that I have a Facebook account, and I posted pictures of my last vacation)

That said, Narcissism has another more insidious manifestation that most people are less aware of, and that I believe is destroying our marriages, families, and country. Narcissism personality disorder is an DSM V, Axis 2, medical and psychiatric diagnosis which is divided into two sub-types. These two sub-types both arrive at the same place but at come from different directions. Narcissists, (and we all are one to some degree, Facebook or not), suffer from pathologically entitled behavior associated with believing that we are the exception to the rule, or that the rules don't apply to us because of our special circumstances.

Narcissism is the disorder of victimization, entitlement, and special treatment. On one hand, a grandiose narcissism generally rationalize that they are too important, talented, or smart for the rules. On the other hand, a vulnerable narcissist has convinced themselves that rules don't apply because of undo misfortune, oppression, or abuse. A vulnerable narcissist excuses not measuring up because they believe they have been the victim of unfair life circumstances. The truth is that both sides are mistaken. Despite our live situation or circumstances, righteousness applies to everyone. If you want a harvest, you have to plant a garden. There is no way around it.

The Book of Mormon pinpoints our day when it simply and apologetically says: “Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall prosper in the land? And again it is said that: Inasmuch as ye will not keep my commandments ye shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord.” the doctrine and Covenants puts it like this “There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.” God is merciful, but there are no exceptions here. Mercy applies to repentance and changing our path, but as Alma warns his son Corianton, “wickedness never was happiness.”

Now, what does Narcissism have to do with the New and Everlasting Covenant of Marriage?

Isaiah 2:2-4 reads “And it shall come to pass in the last days, that the mountain of the Lord’s house shall be established in the top of the mountains, and shall be exalted above the hills; and all nations shall flow unto it. And many people shall go and say, Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob; and he will teach us of his ways, and we will walk in his paths: for out of Zion shall go forth the law, and the word of the Lord from Jerusalem. And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.”

Whenever scripture mentions the second coming of Jesus Christ and the promised Millennium , Christ's coming in glory is accompanied by the restoration of the temple and an everlasting covenant. In fact, Isaiah says that the temple and the covenant will be the mechanism by which world peace in ultimately and finally achieved. This applies to peace in our homes and peace in our marriages. So, what is so important about covenants.? How to they work and why do why should we make them?

Kindergarten children make covenants when they recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Scouts make the Scout Oath. Lawyers, Politicians, and Military take the oath of office or oath of enlistment. As a physician, I made the Hippocratic oath. Where did all this secular oath and covenant making come from? Secular covenant making has its origins in the religious world. However, in modern society too many religions and churches, do very little covenant making and even less covenant keeping. Just now, we as Latter-day Saints and followers of Christ renewed our baptismal covenant by partaking of the emblems of the Lords Supper. While we renew our covenants each week, let us not forget their purpose.

As New York Times columnist David Brooks said: “People are not better off when they are given maximum personal freedom to do what they want. They’re better off when they are enshrouded in commitments that transcend personal choice—commitments to family, God, craft and country." -quoted Elder Perry, April 2015 General Conference.

What is a covenant? Simply put, a covenant is “an agreement which brings about a relationship of commitment between God and his people.” The importance of covenants and involving God is significant when comparing a covenant to a contract. But how does involving God in a contract help? Well, lets take marriage for an example. If marriage were a contract, then our arrangement would be entirely dependent upon our spouse keeping up with their end of the bargain 50/50. If we are not happy in our marriage, it must be because our spouse is not doing enough. And as soon as you or your spouse slips in fully keeping their end of the agreement, the contract is broken. However, in covenant marriage, God is involved. In covenant marriage, we are not serving our spouse only for what we get in return. In covenant marriage, it matters less what our spouse is or isn't doing. In reality, the secret to feeling happier in our marriage is to serve our spouse more that we are. In covenant marriage, God is paying. And as long as we continue in the covenant, God will never cease to bless us.

That said, in covenant marriage, abuse is covenant breaking, and absolutely intolerable. Also, being unequally yoked should be remedied quickly if possible. However, our marriages may go through periods where our spouse might deliver less then their 50% fair share. In this case, if marriage were a contract,divorce would be a sensible and logical outcome. Understandably, covenants are the only way marriages could possibly endure for better, or worse, for richer, for poorer, both in sickness and in health. Unfortunately, modern contractual marriage account for the greater than 50% divorce rate. Covenant marriage, on the other hand, is meant to make our relationships more resilient.

How does covenant marriage make our marriages more resilient? Covenants directly combat narcissism. Resources are scarce, money is scarce, free time is scarce, life is scarce. Consequently the scarcities of life, will absolutely supply ample excuses, justification, reasons, and rationalizations for breaking our word. Covenants, on the other hand, give us a sacred reason to keep our word, despite the excuses. I am sure every single one of us, have given God ample cause to cast us off forever. However, exactly because God is the ultimate Man of His Word, He will never forsake the covenant He has make with us.

Isaiah 49:15-16 asks, “Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. For I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands.”

If we want to become like our Father in Heaven, and live with Him in exaltation, we must also learn to be people of our word and learn to keep our covenants, no excuses. A rule to live by might be, “it should only be an exception, when I am the exception” I pray that we all might strive to do so, with Christ's divine assistance, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.